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Male, 18-29
Eastern US

  Offline - Last On: 236days 15 hours ago

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8,655 Posts | Member Since: 1/31/2010
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Fav. Movie: You`ve got to
Fav. TV Show: sound
Fav. Book: crazy
Fav. Song: because the truth
Fav. Food: is strange
Fav. Car: and beautiful.
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Sunshine light bulb morning - Mood:Good
Saturday January 23 20219:04:47 AM |
I don’t have this much energy when I’m not on my medication. That first thing waking up, usually earlier than normal, I think I actually feel a sense of optimism. I think there’s things that make me optimistic and they rightfully should. I’m going to try and maintain it today.

I missed my medication last Sunday as well. And I woke up early, honestly with more of a hangover, but still feeling optimistic. Well, that’s not true. I think it was being at my family’s house. I was anxious. Family is a definite trigger.

But today. It’s early. I’m having a cup of coffee. It’s a little weak but that’s okay. And I’ve got a day to take on. And try and maintain a little bit of the contentment I’m feeling now.

Work week I’d get myself way out of sorts without medication. I get out of sorts with medication at work.

It’s a social anxiety at its root.

Manifested as manic and depressive

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Frequently - Mood:Good
Saturday February 02 201911:56:31 AM |
So, now I remember one of the problems I was having on the full dose of my medication at this new job. It happened again on Thursday night. I think it’s like a caveman response.

I think I’m too nice on my medication sometimes. And I don’t respond to people giving me a hard time. So for a few days I’m like, hey, yeah, sure, while inside I’m like, you’re an bum opening. And then my brain is like, hey, brain, let’s show ‘em the crazy.

But I don’t hear my brain tell my brain that. So I’ll just get home, do my stuff, eat some food, and go to bed without taking my medication.

And the come down from my full dose to nothing is on the extreme side. And so I’m just this wreck by the time I get into work. I do my work, but I’ll straight up mutter at people.

I think the alcohol has something to do with it. I think it’s my drunk brain talking to my sober brain and they plot against me.


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First paycheck. - Mood:Good
Friday January 25 201911:36:39 AM |
First paycheck today.
I’m curious as well. Do other countries do this thing where they will hold your first paycheck from direct deposit just so they can hand you that first check? Do other states? Do other regions of the same state?

I’m thinking the size of the company has something to do with it as well. Or maybe it’s just a widely practiced rule of business. Just to establish the hand to mouth nature of the arrangement you have agreed upon.

It kind of feels like Christmas morning though. This is going to be the best paycheck I’ve received in years. Honestly, even when I was under contract at that paper mill that I worked at out of school I don’t think I was making this much.

But back to the topic... the tyrannical ruling class must attach a face to the hand of which I am commanded not to bite. Easier to subjugate if the master has the opportunity to smile as you sell your soul.

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I crawled into it. Right into the hole. - Mood:Good
Wednesday January 16 201912:35:06 AM |
So my parents have a sink in their bathroom. Surprise surprise. The thing is, something appears to have obstructed the drain. What it may be is a yet unresolved mystery. But attempts have been made to solve it.

That’s where I come in. First idea, from yesterday, was to use Drain-O. I bought it before work. And assumed, it got Drain-Oed, it must be okay. I came home to find it not okay.

Now it’s been cold. So the next idea was, frozen pipe. I mean. It was also the first idea. The blow dryer was on the pipe below the sink all day yesterday. But the idea was proposed that the pipe may be frozen below the floor.

Below the floor is where the hole comes in. The bathroom is part of an addition. The piping of the addition is in a crawl space. A dark dirty cobweb filled crawl space.

Guess who volunteered to climb in!?

Got the blow dryer on it. Sprung a leak somewhere else...

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Emanating through the ether. - Mood:Good
Saturday January 05 201910:00:06 PM |
Let me set the stage. Watching television with the family. We began to discuss, at my prompting, how exactly Jeopardy gives someone contributing no actual value a quarter of a million dollars. We were talking about advertisements and the free market and the relevance of media in this context. The conversation receded.

We kept watching. Football and the such. After dinner and a while that new Apple commercial with the multicolored jumpsuit men came on. I said I didn’t like it. I went out on a limb. I said it represents a sectarian theology as found in Islam and thought it indicates the influence of Islam on Western society.

Everyone thought it was ridiculous. Then my little brother went to unplug his computer at which point the power strip it was plugged into nearly exploded. Apparently he had plugged the cord on top of itself.

We had to go downstairs and flip some fuses.

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West Coast Blues by Wes Montgomery is in fact a song. - Mood:Good
Friday December 28 201812:31:53 AM |
Good day at work. I crashed something though. It went smash. And when machines go smash it’s kind of scary. Like. It didn’t even just go smash. It went smash. Then it went limp. And it wouldn’t revive. And I shut everything down. At first the software. Nothing. Limpness. Limpness on the Z axis.

So I pondered it for a moment. Was a bitch to get up in the thing and around stuff. My ass broke a light.

But I got back there round the other side and got to it. But then it really startled me cause when I did turn it back on the damn thing started shaking. My heart jumped. Scary contraption.

But then it was over. And it just says error 7 now.

Now wasn’t that clear as day?

I’m back to it though. No big plans or dreams. Just in the pocket. They keep me keeping on and it just goes day by day.

I have one more payment to the Jersey mafia.

Thankfully no broken fingers...

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Waiting for something to happen... - Mood:Good
Monday December 24 20182:28:51 AM |
I’m just settling again. It was a good night. I felt like it was pleasant though I’m kind of annoying. I mean I think they like me. These people of which I was among.

I’m just back at the folks place. I’m trying to be friendly. There’s an angsty tension that persists. It’s a brother dynamic. I don’t really know.

I’m antagonistic towards my male siblings. I’m unendingly nervous around women. My mother tries to tell me to turn the other cheek. My dad agrees with blunt force.

I’m doing okay on the people thing I think. Though it’s constantly wondering who knows who and they know me and bridges just seem so burnable that I just avoid walking over bridges. I just don’t chill well.

If you had the choice to socialize with anyone, like demographically, who would you choose to socialize with? Family group, friends, strangers at the bar, online forum acquaintances...

People are okay

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I’m sitting on a dog. - Mood:Good
Sunday December 16 20184:51:43 PM |
So I’m not home. I’m at my cousin’s house watching her dog. They went to Syracuse for a Christmas getaway. I spent the night last night. We watched Christmas Vacation and played an X-Box game called Ultimate Chicken horse. It’s been fine. The dog is very relaxed around me.

He was a shelter dog. He gets really nervous around strangers. Particularly men. I’ve been over here and there since they got him. He knows me.

I watched The Killing on his X-Box when they went to bed. I used a streaming site. I know he doesn’t usually do that. Are X-Boxes fairly secure? Did I give his X-Box a virus?

I listened to music all morning. Made a few cups of coffee in their percolator. Drinking beer now. Probably have another few hours of hanging with the sleepy dog.

He didn’t want to go out at three. It’s sleeting. I think I need to drag his miniature hypoallergenic ass out there...

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Tight finances at holiday time. Is what it is. - Mood:Good
Wednesday December 12 201811:11:27 AM |
I’m not getting paid anything on three work days this month. I’m not sure if I’ll survive. Damsel, in her journal was talking about temp work or contract work that her husband was doing. Her situation seems more extreme than mine but mine is an inconvenience as well. It’s not terrible really. I’m only really paying loans and credit cards every month so I should still be coming out okay at the end of the month. More than half a paycheck at least on Christmas week.

I don’t have plans to travel or anything so no additional expenses. Family is all fairly local. Or there’s enough local family to have gatherings and such.

People get bonuses this time of year though. By people I mean real people with real jobs.

I just have that tuition reimbursement thing to worry about. Paypaled my parents off a credit card and they wrote a check this month. Gotta tighten the budget for next month.

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Sweep of Gauges - Mood:Good
Friday November 16 20181:05:50 AM |
I titled an email I sent tonight with that title. I feel like it evokes something. Probably because gauges sounds like ages. Like it sounds like a mispronunciation of sleep of ages.
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Psychological update... Pandora makes me crazy. - Mood:Good
Thursday November 01 201812:02:44 AM |
Today was kind of long. My boss worked late to do programming. My work is pretty technical. It uses a lot of focus and I am able to fall into a routine. Like a routine in the sense of knowing repeatable processes in a manufacturing environment are essential to the success of a manufacturing environment.

So my boss’s presence kind of frazzled me.

And there was music playing in both of the labs. And I kind of tweaked. I mean. I recovered. But I definitely tripped.

It was fine. My boss seems to have interpreted it as enthusiasm. The third shift operator and I got some training and I got to just sit and listen for a while. This happened at my first job out of college too. Where I’d come home feeling as though I had lost my cool.

It makes me wonder about my medication. Off my medication I can get stuck in routine very easily. And I think I might overreact to interruptions.

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Coffee always tastes like soap. - Mood:Good
Wednesday May 18 20169:20:37 AM |
At least my morning cup out of a travel mug.

The paper mill never called. I think I have to hit the reset button again.

Silver Soul by Beach House is echoing in my head even more than that entire album usually echoes in my head.

Work till ten again because it's Wednesday.

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Almost passed out today... - Mood:Good
Thursday March 31 20165:03:00 PM |
Was listening to the boss talk about things. Yawned a couple times. Swayed. Had to kneel as my vision started to get blurry.
But I gave blood. And I had just gotten back. And had wolfed, no pun intended, down a breakfast sandwich. And had just smoked two and a half cigarettes.

Supposed to go to the brewery again with band person. Another person cooler than me. I need to shower now though.

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Paper cuts and cleaning solutions - Mood:Good
Monday March 28 20169:24:46 PM |
I could view this two ways.

Either it's a terrible twist of fate intended to cause me twice the pain of every injury.

Or it's intended as a beautiful symbiosis through which my wounds are properly treated through the completion of the menial tasks which comprise my day.

It's really an unanswerable matter of perspective.

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I am not an administrative assistant. - Mood:Good
Tuesday March 22 20161:54:54 PM |
I determined after three months of not being an administrative assistant.

So no raise. Probably won't be able to send out extra this month.

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My key broke off in the ignition. - Mood:Good
Monday March 07 20164:15:47 PM |
I was able to pull it out. But it looks like I'll be having cigarettes for lunch.
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Maybe things will be different? - Mood:Good
Thursday October 30 20142:57:30 AM |
I'm waking. I'm waking again. There is plenty of moisture on my eyes. They are not dry. They do not need to be moistened.

It's 2:45 in the morning. But I slept late. I should have accomplished more today. I did a few things. I fixed a phone. I recycled. But then that beer starts metabolizing at 1:00 and suddenly I'm waking.

Outside this day, this is not the place to be. If I choose to step out of the day, or out from the day, this isn't where it should be. I'm comfortable in the worst of ways. I'm feeding every anxious fear that chokes me.

When I leave there will be some quiet. I will recline where I lay and sleep will come, be it 3 or 4. For now allow me to be entertained. I'll try to be better I swear. Just allow me a moment of your time.

I want to inquire. I want some statement that isn't there. When were you invented? I could say if I were some kind of robot.

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Say this to Democrats even if you`re talking to yourself. - Mood:Good
Saturday January 11 20142:32:43 AM |

I had some time without a cigarette on lunch break. I work at one of those places on the Hudson that probably contributed to the PCB problem. Right around the corner from the mill is a lock. I just stood around. I had my iPod with me, but for the most part I did nothing.

I don't really want one. I get past the point where I haven't had one and didn't say this is stupid. I think I'm not really like them, though. Not the same flippant disregard. There's something lacking about me.

But the ice flowing was really something. It's a scene that should be in some arctic landscape. It provided a new contrast to the lock spread across it.

I got caught kicking sticks by an old man and his dog and I felt foolish and went back to my vehicle.

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I`m the anti Midas. - Mood:Good
Monday January 06 20147:20:36 PM |
Today was a blah day. I didn't sleep well and had to work on statistics all day. I think I'm going to be doing statistics all week.

Back to the topic though, the fire pump that I tested last week broke, just like the water pipe that I bothered while testing the sprinkler system. The pressure release valve froze along with a few other components that'll probably take a little while to replace.

The fire pump is still functional to some extent, so the people working at the factory now are not in grave danger, but I feel willing to blame the entire situation on myself.

I expected the roads to be worse this evening than they were. Everything seemed to dry out fairly well in the sun so the temperature drop that is happening hasn't frozen any of the roads, at least any of the road that I came across.

I also lit a wood stove with one match, so I have that going for me. I need sleep soon.

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I got a haircut and have heartburn. - Mood:Good
Saturday January 04 20146:47:45 PM |

Damn cigarettes. A water pipe burst. Twice. Not the same water pipe. Two water pipes. In two different locations. The first water pipe was at the factory that I work at. The second water pipe was at my grandmother's house. The first water pipe was probably a large cement thing that contained gallons upon gallons of water. The second water pipe was a small tube of PVC that contained frozen water that drained out of it after thawing, probably a couple gallons worth. The first water pipe shut down half of the water at the mill. The second water pipe shut down all of the water at the house. Both water pipes are fixed and in working condition. Water is continuing to flow as necessary as we speak. Water should soothe heart burn. It just f*cking makes sense.

There are 94 comments on this journal entry. View/Add Comments - Mood:Good
Saturday January 04 201412:39:00 AM |
I'm pretty sure it's a catastrophe.

I mean beyond tragedy by some vast margin.

A literal cacophony of tormented mishaps.

An uneventful flailing into a relatively shallow hole.

But it happens again and again.

I should give myself some time.

Some time to think and stare off into distances.

That's something to conquer, measurable time and distance.

These bastard soliloquies are just so endless.

These overtly omniferous failures don't seem to cease.

But we've got something in common.

So maybe you're tired and don't want to dance.

I'm here to tell you so.

I'm here to tap you on your shoulder and say,

"I believe I left my wallet somewhere around here."

And you of course, startled, say you haven't seen it.

And I go on and on about how you must have seen it, because I know it was right here.

I'm clearly distressed.

Maybe you're laughing.

Most likely it is a deepening boredom

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I need to remember to lie. (Pt. 3) (And the end.) - Mood:Good
Wednesday January 01 20146:54:35 PM |
He put the toilet seat back down and stood up to look in the mirror. His hands were shaking a little bit and he had to focus to stop them from doing so. Turning on the faucet, he quickly cleaned his hands and walked out, the repetitive beat of the music from the adjacent room quickening his step. The announcement came from the DJ for everyone to grab their champagne for the new year countdown. Getting in line at the bar he waited only a few moments before being handed a plastic cup with a small amount of champagne in it. A little disappointed by the lack of presentation, he patiently waited for the countdown. The time came and he quickly tossed back the alcohol which he was equally unimpressed by. Returning to the dance floor, he was sluggish, a little drunk, and not able to find the rhythm. A kick from a nearby dancer caught him in the groin and his innards revolted and he vomited.
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I need to remember to lie. (Pt. 2) - Mood:Good
Wednesday January 01 20143:16:11 PM |
He pulled the newspaper closer to his face. It was a cold morning. The tip of his nose was frigid and he hoped to catch some of the warmth of his breath. The busy street was already alive and the sound of the traffic rattled in his mind, making a return to sleep unviable. He coughed abruptly, groaned and cursed the cigarette he had the evening before. He reached for his mug from behind the paper, taking a small sip of coffee before returning it to the table. Having scanned the front page and finding nothing of interest he folded the paper and placed it alongside his bowl of cereal. He was hungry, and eagerly shoveled several spoonfuls into his mouth. As the milk, which he had left in the refrigerator while away on business and was now a week past expired, hit his stomach, his stomach convulsed and he hunched over in his chair. Running to the toilet, he lifted the lid and vomited.
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I`m not asking any questions. - Mood:Good
Sunday December 29 20135:34:27 PM |
Really, it's been lovely, but I must go.

I need to shower and get clothes for work tomorrow.

I have to be up by 5:30 in the morning, which isn't as bad as it seems. The commute of forty minutes each way is a bit of a hassle. I have to be in by 7:00 because the factory is shut down and I'm working with maintenance people who work a different schedule.

Leave something for me to read if you think that I am a functioning member of this website.

Your silence will be duly noted.

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Backstory, cause it`s Christmas. - Mood:Good
Tuesday December 24 20132:16:46 PM |
Most of the interactions that take place in such a place as this seem to most resemble the activity and behavior of eating canines.

Sometimes there is a chase and a kill, often times the carcass is just presented. The most mysterious occurrence is when it appears as if one of the group refuses to eat.

In a variety of ways the food is nudged towards the face of the objectioning party. There is a hint of desperation.

A righteous air pervades over the group as they do what they do best and joyfully devour the remains presented before them, snapping at another face too close to theirs.

Running with pieces in their mouth, chasing each other playfully. As the meal warms and is mostly consumed, only the hungriest continue to gnaw while the rest of the group recline about the place like lazy dogs.

I suppose I'm howling. Making some noise above the din. Not really eating much of anything.

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